137 More Oil Wells Liberated For Democracy

Wed, 16 Apr 2003 09:34:48 EDT

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(From the Onion -- http://www.theonion.com/onion3913/oil_wells_liberated.htm=
l=20
)

=20
RUMAILAH OIL FIELDS, IRAQ=E2=80=94The U.S. continued to make progress in its=
 fight=20
against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberated for=20
democracy.     =20
Above: The U.S. flag flies high atop a newly liberated oil well.   =20
"For decades, these oil wells have suffered untold misery under Saddam=20
Hussein's tyrannical rule," said U.S. Commander General Tommy Franks,=20
speaking from southern Iraq's Rumailah oil fields, the site of the=20
liberation. "With this victory, these long-oppressed wells will soon pump=20
their first barrels of crude as free and equal wells in the global petroleum=
=20
marketplace. They will join the ranks of the world's liberated oil wells,=20
enjoying the same rights as their democratic brethren around the globe."The=20
Rumailah wells are the latest of nearly 900 to be freed from the yoke of=20
oppression by coalition forces. As U.S. troops continue to advance deeper=20
into Iraq=E2=80=94armed with constant standing orders to "Secure the oil wel=
ls;=20
repeat, secure the oil wells"=E2=80=94an estimated 1,500 more wells are expe=
cted to=20
be liberated in the coming weeks.For months, U.S. officials have gone to=20
great lengths to assure the public, both in America and abroad, that the Ira=
q=20
invasion is not motivated by oil interests=E2=80=94a sentiment echoed by Def=
ense=20
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld during a press conference Monday."This war is not=20
about oil," Rumsfeld said. "Our decision to intercede against this dictator=20
and not against the dozens of other ruthless dictators in the world is not=20
about oil. France and Russia's opposition to this war is not about the purel=
y=20
coincidental fact that both countries have lucrative, pre-existing oil=20
contracts with Iraq. Furthermore, the interest of many U.S. corporations in=20
the war has nothing to do with oil, either. This war is about liberty. Oil=20
wells deserve liberty, too."Continued Rumsfeld: "These oppressed Iraqi oil=20
wells deserve the right to pump oil as freely as any other oil well on God's=
=20
Earth=E2=80=94be it in Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, or an Alaskan wildlife refuge.=
 It is=20
crass and cynical to view this operation as being motivated by greed, profit=
,=20
or the second-largest oil reserves in the Middle East. This war is motivated=
=20
by one thing: democracy. Our military action is meant to provide all of=20
Iraq's oil wells=E2=80=94be they big or small, staggeringly lucrative or mer=
ely very=20
lucrative=E2=80=94with their God-given right to pump under a democratic syst=
em of=20
self-governance."In the weeks leading up to the war, the U.S. sought to make=
=20
its intentions clear by air-dropping hundreds of thousands of pamphlets over=
=20
Iraq assuring its people that the U.S. was not launching a war against them,=
=20
but against Saddam Hussein. The pamphlets also gave Iraqi soldiers=20
instructions on how to surrender properly, as well as a promise that they=20
would be treated well if they did so. Most importantly, though, they include=
d=20
a stern admonition to all Iraqis not to burn any oil wells, warning that the=
y=20
would be hunted down and prosecuted as war criminals if they did.U.S.=20
officials hope that the pamphlets' message, especially the part about the oi=
l=20
wells, gets through."These valuable natural resources belong to the Iraqi=20
people, who rely on their output for desperately needed food and medicine=20
under the U.N.'s Oil-For-Food Program," Franks said. "But ultimately, we nee=
d=20
to remember that these oil wells do not really belong to anybody. They, like=
=20
any other free oil well, have the basic, inalienable right to independent=20
representational government and self-determination under their own rule.=20
Every oil well deserves to choose how and when it wishes to produce oil, and=
=20
for whose economic benefit."Aiding the wells in their transition to democrac=
y=20
will be Texaco, Mobil, and other U.S. businesses, each of which bring years=20
of expertise in dealing with the problems and challenges that oil wells face=
=20
in a free society. These private companies will be well-equipped to help=20
manage the oil wells as they make the difficult adjustment to producing oil=20
in freedom.Despite the apparent inevitability of victory in Iraq, White Hous=
e=20
sources stress that the battle for oil-well liberty is far from over."We mus=
t=20
remember that there are many, many oil wells living under oppression all=20
across the world, not just in Iraq," White House press secretary Ari=20
Fleischer said. "Until every oil well enjoys the fruits of democracy, no oil=
=20
well is truly free."   =20

=20

They hang the man and flog the woman
That steal the goose from off the common,
But let the greater villain loose
That steals the common from the goose.=20

Constant apprehension of war has the same tendency
to render the head too large for the body.  A standing military=20
force with an overgrown executive will not long be safe.=20
companions to liberty.  -- Thomas Jefferson

"America is a quarter of a billion people totally misinformed and disinforme=
d=20
by their government. This is tragic but our media is -- I wouldn't even say=20
corrupt -- it's just beyond telling us anything that the government doesn't=20
want us to know."=20

Gore Vidal

   =20

=20

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<HTML>(From the Onion -- http://www.theonion.com/onion3913/o=
il_wells_liberated.html ) 
 
<IMG SRC=3D"http://gr=
aphics.theonion.com/pics_3913/head_oil_wells_liberated.gif" WIDTH=3D"465" HE=
IGHT=3D"105" BORDER=3D"0"> 
RUMAILAH OIL FIELDS, IRAQ=E2=80=94The U.S. continued to make progress in its=
 fight against totalitarianism Tuesday, when 137 more oil wells were liberat=
ed for democracy.<IMG SRC=3D"http://graphics.theonion.com/onion_global/blan=
k.gif" WIDTH=3D"10" HEIGHT=3D"1" BORDER=3D"0"> <IMG SRC=3D"http://graphics=
.theonion.com/pics_3913/oil_wells_liberated.jpg" WIDTH=3D"350" HEIGHT=3D"249=
" BORDER=3D"0"> 
Above: The U.S. flag flies high atop a newly liberated oil well. 
"For decades, these oil wells have suffered untold misery under Saddam Husse=
in's tyrannical rule," said U.S. Commander General Tommy Franks, speaking fr=
om southern Iraq's Rumailah oil fields, the site of the liberation. "With th=
is victory, these long-oppressed wells will soon pump their first barrels of=
 crude as free and equal wells in the global petroleum marketplace. They wil=
l join the ranks of the world's liberated oil wells, enjoying the same right=
s as their democratic brethren around the globe."The Rumailah wells are the=20=
latest of nearly 900 to be freed from the yoke of oppression by coalition fo=
rces. As U.S. troops continue to advance deeper into Iraq=E2=80=94armed with=
 constant standing orders to "Secure the oil wells; repeat, secure the oil w=
ells"=E2=80=94an estimated 1,500 more wells are expected to be liberated in=20=
the coming weeks.For months, U.S. officials have gone to great lengths to as=
sure the public, both in America and abroad, that the Iraq invasion is not m=
otivated by oil interests=E2=80=94a sentiment echoed by Defense Secretary Do=
nald Rumsfeld during a press conference Monday."This war is not about oil,"=20=
Rumsfeld said. "Our decision to intercede against this dictator and not agai=
nst the dozens of other ruthless dictators in the world is not about oil. Fr=
ance and Russia's opposition to this war is not about the purely coincidenta=
l fact that both countries have lucrative, pre-existing oil contracts with I=
raq. Furthermore, the interest of many U.S. corporations in the war has noth=
ing to do with oil, either. This war is about liberty. Oil wells deserve lib=
erty, too."Continued Rumsfeld: "These oppressed Iraqi oil wells deserve the=20=
right to pump oil as freely as any other oil well on God's Earth=E2=80=94be=20=
it in Saudi Arabia, Nigeria, or an Alaskan wildlife refuge. It is crass and=20=
cynical to view this operation as being motivated by greed, profit, or the s=
econd-largest oil reserves in the Middle East. This war is motivated by one=20=
thing: democracy. Our military action is meant to provide all of Iraq's oil=20=
wells=E2=80=94be they big or small, staggeringly lucrative or merely very lu=
crative=E2=80=94with their God-given right to pump under a democratic system=
 of self-governance."In the weeks leading up to the war, the U.S. sought to=20=
make its intentions clear by air-dropping hundreds of thousands of pamphlets=
 over Iraq assuring its people that the U.S. was not launching a war against=
 them, but against Saddam Hussein. The pamphlets also gave Iraqi soldiers in=
structions on how to surrender properly, as well as a promise that they woul=
d be treated well if they did so. Most importantly, though, they included a=20=
stern admonition to all Iraqis not to burn any oil wells, warning that they=20=
would be hunted down and prosecuted as war criminals if they did.U.S. offici=
als hope that the pamphlets' message, especially the part about the oil well=
s, gets through."These valuable natural resources belong to the Iraqi people=
, who rely on their output for desperately needed food and medicine under th=
e U.N.'s Oil-For-Food Program," Franks said. "But ultimately, we need to rem=
ember that these oil wells do not really belong to anybody. They, like any o=
ther free oil well, have the basic, inalienable right to independent represe=
ntational government and self-determination under their own rule. Every oil=20=
well deserves to choose how and when it wishes to produce oil, and for whose=
 economic benefit."Aiding the wells in their transition to democracy will be=
 Texaco, Mobil, and other U.S. businesses, each of which bring years of expe=
rtise in dealing with the problems and challenges that oil wells face in a f=
ree society. These private companies will be well-equipped to help manage th=
e oil wells as they make the difficult adjustment to producing oil in freedo=
m.Despite the apparent inevitability of victory in Iraq, White House sources=
 stress that the battle for oil-well liberty is far from over."We must remem=
ber that there are many, many oil wells living under oppression all across t=
he world, not just in Iraq," White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said.=
 "Until every oil well enjoys the fruits of democracy, no oil well is truly=20=
free." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
They hang the man and flog the woman 
That steal the goose from off the common, 
But let the greater villain loose 
That steals the common from the goose. 
 
Constant apprehension of war has the same tendency 
to render the head too large for the body.&nbsp; A standing military 
force with an overgrown executive will not long be safe. 
companions to liberty.&nbsp; -- Thomas Jefferson 
 
 
"America is a quarter of=
 a billion people totally misinformed and disinformed by their government. T=
his is tragic but our media is -- I wouldn't even say corrupt -- it's just b=
eyond telling us anything that the government doesn't want us to know." 
 
Gore Vidal 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 </HTML>

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